Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: This episode of the lori taktarski morning show is produced by cmjw entertainment. This episode is brought to you in part by mha of dutchess county, harmonious healing, bagel world and angels of the andes.
Mental health america of dutchess county and reviver entertainment group presents the sound of nashville in the hudson valley's queen city featuring headliner grand ole opry member and cmt award nominee craig morgan.
With supporting acts two time Grammy nominee Maggie Rose, Finalist of season 19 of the Voice and Hudson Valley native Ian Flanagan, Viral sensation Jake Banfield and special guest Broadway to country star Brooke Moribro.
The Sound of Nashville one night only Tuesday, October 6th at the Bartabon Opera House in Poughkeepsie, New York. Visit bartabon.org for ticket information.
[00:01:08] Speaker B: We at Angels of the Andes are proud to partner and support the Lori Talk Tarski Morning Show. Our mission is to create brighter futures for children living in Peru's highest peaks of the Andes Mountains by supporting families and schools with essential resources and reminding them that there is always hope for tomorrow. Each year we also bring the gift of Christmas. Rooting children enjoy faith and the love of Jesus while reminding them that they are deeply cared for behind their mountains. For more information and to donate, please scan the QR code on the screen and visit the link in the description 100% of your gift goes directly to the mission, helping families where they need it most. Together we can continue reaching the highest peaks.
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[00:03:25] Speaker B: Rise and shine. Good morning. Rise and shine to the iconic light.
Coffee in one hand. Woo.
Confidence in the other. Today is a special episode. I have my producer with me who's also struggled his own struggles and is with me. This is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. It is an extremely important month. Thank God there are resources out there and there are other ways of communicating if, God forbid, you are feeling the suicidal ideations or thoughts. I've struggled a long time with mental health challenges and gracefully. I've been in remission for many years and I was able to write a book called I dare you to walk in my shoes.
[00:04:12] Speaker A: Hardcover edition right here.
[00:04:13] Speaker B: Hardcover special edition. One of my greatest missions is to not only tell my story and bring inspiration and hope and faith to others, but. But it's for others to. I dare them to walk in their own shoes and tell their own story and feel heard and feel understood and loved. So with that being said, I'm going to talk about some poetry I wrote along the way and see where the episode takes us.
[00:04:39] Speaker A: Absolutely. I'm excited to revisit the poetry and not just that, get to talk about where you were at the time of it. Because obviously it's one thing, you know, reading the poetry, it's another thing you actually reading it aloud and for us to hear it coming from your voice and another thing to hear about the backstory to it.
[00:04:55] Speaker B: Yes, there's always the backstory.
[00:04:56] Speaker A: Absolutely.
[00:04:57] Speaker B: And much of my poetry, I do have to say, is what I believe in. I'm a very spiritually grounded, involved individual. And God has played a huge part in my recovery and in my life story and in everything I do in my days. So a lot of my poetry is geared towards that. The first poem is called the Final Answer, and it was actually written way back when, in 1997.
And it goes like this. Caught up in a black web of deception Lost sight of my true perception Searching for the angelic light Time is a relentless, paralyzing fright Am I worthy of God's everlasting love?
Does he hear my prayers from up above? Will he grant me the footprints in the sand? Will he help to keep me protected and grounded on solid land?
Does the direction I travel lead me to the holy gate?
Is all of life just lucid fate?
Will my higher power forgive me for my mistakes?
I ask for restitution for love's sake.
Will my thorn grow into a gallant rose? Will he keep me strong through life's treacherous lows?
Can I take his strength and conquer the devil's wrath? Can I immerse myself in a sacred bath? If all men are created equal Then why do some deplete?
Why do others survive while so many give in to defeat? Will I serve my purpose for the love of God? Will the good shepherd comfort me with the staff and rod?
Can the veins in my heart continue to dance?
Can poetic justice lead to tantalizing romance? I ponder these thoughts each day of my existence.
Have I found and accepted myself unconditionally and without resistance? Does my page in the book of light, Life, excuse me, or light await me still?
Can the final answer of love guide me to the top of the hill? If the mind stays receptive does the dream live on? If the heart battles the evil trance? Is life and love ever really gone?
[00:07:30] Speaker A: That's a very strong poem right there. And what a poem to open with in this episode, too.
But one thing that strikes me when listening to it, you are very much driven by your faith 100%. And you are somebody who is very spiritual and religious in that sense. But one thing that I really appreciate out of that poem is that it's not coming from a sense of blind faith. It's questioning where you are, how you're standing. Can I do this? And also still leaning on your faith at the same time with it. One of the things, like, you know, I grew up Roman Catholic. I went to Catholic school, I went to church. And one of the things that always was kind of off putting to me were the people who were like, you just need to have blind faith in xyz. And it's like, but we're human. We're always going to be questioning things. And hearing a poem like this that openly is not shying away from that questioning. I think that's important for a lot of people who are out there struggling with their faith in humanity, reality. And on the other side as well,
[00:08:29] Speaker B: there's a lot of people struggling. They say, how could I believe in God when this has happened, when this bad thing has happened, when this terrifying thing has happened, when so much has happened.
[00:08:39] Speaker A: And faith goes beyond all that. Yeah.
[00:08:41] Speaker B: You know, and people just say, have blind faith. You just have to believe.
But, you know, you have to also kind of question it, kind of. But still know that it's beautiful and it's Lovely. And it's helpful.
[00:08:54] Speaker A: It's through the questions that we find the answers that we're looking for. You know, if we all. If we're all just yes men and saying yes to everything, it was like, we're never going to learn, and we're not going to find the mysteries that are out there. So you said that was 1997. A lot of the things that we've specifically talked about are, you know, kind of later into the 2000s. But, yeah, this being 1997, where was this in your journey?
[00:09:16] Speaker B: Well, this was just a very difficult time. I had gotten diagnosed a few years back with the bipolar.
[00:09:24] Speaker A: This was recent to that, huh?
[00:09:25] Speaker B: Yes, recent. I had gone off. I was living in Texas. I was studying under a mentor. I was really trying. I was in my 20s, and that's already a time when one's trying to find their identity, trying to find their, you know, their purpose, what they want to do, what they want to proceed with in their life.
So on top of having that already on. On that challenge placed on me, I was also dealing with, you know, something that was foreign to me, this mental health challenge.
[00:09:53] Speaker A: Yeah, your identity is already being challenged by this new diagnosis. And again, you know, as somebody in my 20s right now, I definitely get that feeling of, like, who, what, where am I? You know, that whole sense of everything. So. No, that's fascinating to hear that, you know, that's what you were looking into at the time with the mentorship that you were doing. I know that you had a big marketing background for a long time. Was it in regard to that or something different?
[00:10:18] Speaker B: No, that came later.
[00:10:20] Speaker A: That came in later in life. What was the mentoring for at the time?
[00:10:22] Speaker B: That was just somebody that was doing innovative therapy with mental health, and I was kind of studying under that.
[00:10:28] Speaker A: Okay, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. So for anybody who just, you know, who just heard that poem, now, what are you hoping that they might get out of it?
[00:10:37] Speaker B: That they'll just, you know, they don't. They won't turn, you know, a blind eye to having faith, so to speak, that they'll keep themselves open. So ultimately that. For at least for me, I realized that with God, all things are possible. And especially with love as well.
They'll keep themselves open to possibilities.
[00:10:57] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. I think it's not only a lovely poem, but also definitely a lovely prayer.
And not one that. And not like this extremely all praise be kind of prayers. Like, it's a very human prayer. It's a very human prayer. I think that's a lovely One great one to start with. Anything else that you want to say on that one before we move on to your next poem?
[00:11:17] Speaker B: No, I just. We'll move on.
[00:11:19] Speaker A: All right. Sounds good.
[00:11:20] Speaker B: All right, so this one is called Rising Glory to New Heights.
[00:11:25] Speaker A: Oh, I think I remember this one.
[00:11:27] Speaker B: Yes.
Everything is good in its season.
Everything has a rhyme and a reason.
Some escape injustices while others end with treason. I have felt imprisoned and held captive, subject to hostage by mental illness. Yet by the grace of God, I have risen. Risen from the ashes of contamination, condemnation, rumination, ruination and despair. Has any of my suffering been justified or fair?
There were lessons to be learned. I wanted self evolution for this I have yearned in order to have victory and awareness. I needed insight. I needed to shed and rid myself of the darkness and enter into the light.
I am triumphant. I have won.
I will have more than my daily moments in the sun radiating and penetrating through the entire universe as one.
[00:12:36] Speaker A: Yeah, I remember that one, especially when we were recording that for the audiobook. And I really like that poem because it acknowledges the hardships, but also without, like, pushing it to the side, but acknowledging that you are more than the hardships.
[00:12:51] Speaker B: Right. And it doesn't define you. It aligns you to what your purpose will be.
[00:12:57] Speaker A: Yeah. Was this also around the same time period? Was this around 97 as well?
[00:13:02] Speaker B: Yeah, it was about 98. So I was going through a horrendous time. I was questioning things, but yet I wanted to hold on to faith. I wanted to hold on to love. I wanted to hold on to all the things I believe in.
And I was expressing my hardship. And yet I was also, with such glory, rising to new heights. I was expressing the victory.
[00:13:24] Speaker A: Yeah, and that's. That's the important part because so many times, you know, we will focus on the negatives that are around us and we won't look at the positives nearly as much. Buddy of mine who also works in social media, we were saying how we can get a ton of great comments, but it's always that one that sticks out. So it was like, no, we need to, regardless of whatever's thrown at us, remember the good that you're doing, the positive that's being said within yourself and outward and recognizes like, yeah, no, I. I am triumphant. I am getting through this. I have done this. And look at what I've done already. So that's very important. You know, as it's interesting listening back to a period when you were in your 20s, me and my 20s now, and sure, those were different time Periods and decades. But it is an everlasting evergreen feeling that people are always going to feel throughout time.
Yeah, that's. That's multi generational right now. Yeah.
[00:14:20] Speaker B: Inevitable.
[00:14:21] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:14:22] Speaker B: So I think in different decades, people feel similar things.
[00:14:25] Speaker A: Oh, absolutely. You can even look back millennia and think about it. It's like, oh, wow. Even they thought like I did. And think about all the technological advancements and changes and cultural changes, but like, there are just certain inherent truths that just are always there because that's just our human nature.
[00:14:42] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:14:43] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:14:43] Speaker B: Yes. That's just about being human and experiencing different things.
[00:14:47] Speaker A: Yeah. And with that humanity, of course, the hardships, but the triumphs. So that's why I really like that poem.
[00:14:52] Speaker B: Thank you. And I hope that speaks volumes to the audience, that regardless of what you're going through, to keep forging forward and to know that there is the light and there is the brighter side and the silver lining.
[00:15:06] Speaker A: Yeah. What was it? I was speaking with life coach and mentor Tracy Solarik, and I specifically asked is like, when you're working with clients, either individually or in a group, how do you present the concept of fear or how to maneuver around fear to your clients? And she always says, like, think back to the last time that you felt this way and remember, you already did it once. You can do it again.
[00:15:30] Speaker B: Right?
[00:15:30] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:15:31] Speaker B: Just say, I faced this, I got through it, I did it. Go back, you could do it again. Yep.
[00:15:36] Speaker A: No, I think that's very solid. What other poem are you going to grace this with, Laurie?
[00:15:40] Speaker B: Let me see. Let me go. Oh, this is a good one.
[00:15:43] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:15:44] Speaker B: Now, I think as we go through our journey, we're blessed with angels along the way. Angels are everywhere, so please look for them protecting you and guiding you and healing you. Along my journey, there's been some very insidious times, and there's been some incredibly beautiful times. And I've had three particular therapists that have really stood out and been a part of my journey.
So I wrote a poem about different aspects of my life and where they played a part.
And it goes like this. Dedicated to three angelic healers. I have arrived, survive the diagnosis and the poor prognosis of my mental disease.
Texas. Texas. The unexpected nexus of my despair.
Before I got there, I theorized the Lone Star state as a breath of fresh air.
And in that great big state, an angel was waiting there.
Jabel Joanne, my therapist, my friend. When the confusion was too much, when tides of bipolar terror came in under the pale moonlight of self distrust, when I could not be kind to Myself or those I met.
But with her sense of benevolence, I could forget the errors of my single sided arrogance.
You reap what you sow, she said.
And she sowed this in me every session, in every action until I was able to do onto others what others would. In New York it came calling back.
The life of an advertising exec, account manager to be exact.
All that pressure that night.
Cry for solace. That's when Youngblood, my therapist here in the business of her proud vibrancy, would we connect.
Yet I was faced with the problems of progress.
From her, the answers I would implore.
Youngblood, oh how wrong it is to be grouped here in this place with these sick people. But Laurie, you are not better or worse.
Only concern yourself with change, with overcoming your sense of entitlement.
And then from this world or any other, you won't be estranged. I worked with her for seven years.
We sandblasted my darkest, deepest fears, honest and sincere.
There were so many issues.
There weren't enough bulk volume, Kleenex tissues.
A recurring theme is that the river of judgment from me did stream. My childhood brought me a sense of entitlement.
And with the healer we toned it down as a team.
Tanya, loving and nurturing. She was my greatest fan.
Even though my eight hospitalizations in a two year span while under her care life was less than fair.
I had eight hospitalizations in a two year span. I was like saturated worms suffocating in a can.
At the time I was receiving shock treatment on a regular basis.
Before the shock treatment I had oceans and oceans of emotions.
I kept asking her why can't I cry? Did my spiritual insides die?
Why can I feel true happiness and belly laugh like the good old days?
I constantly pray this was just a temporary phase.
What happened to all of my creativity sensitivity?
Then the psychosis rocked my sanity and I attempted suicide for the second time. And there she was to cut through my black and white TV thinking to comfort me in the ICU when I was still reeling. To use 20 years of experience in calming my errant ways of sinking. I attempted to master my mind over pain, to quell the quelling, crutching voice driving me insane, driving me, driving me, driving me to try and end my life again.
Would this fatalistic behavior end when, oh when she taught me to remain humble and not be so grandiose, to have patience with the other patients that each individual has worth. She stated to me everyone has a varying level of mental illness.
Some of the people won't change, grow or get well.
But the way I put it, they stay stuck in stillness, unchanging hell. Many months after I had this suicide attempt, Tanya questioned if she was such a wonderful therapist, why couldn't she preempt? I explained that I was so out of touch with reality, if I dared share my thoughts, I'd be locked away for good. I was so afraid. I don't think anyone could have understood traveling so many miles and transversing so many trials. There is a sense of transition from the beating center of a once paused heart. I have arrived. I have survived this insidious, peculiar ride. I am fully aware, mindful and alive. A new chapter, a new book. A completely and utterly astounding, resounding, rebounding outlook. The lessons these living angels taught me are the verses and these flawed flows are my catchy hook.
That's a mouthful.
[00:22:14] Speaker A: Yeah. That was definitely, certainly the longest one that we've done today. But that's weighted with so, so much right there.
I feel like so much of what you said was very self explanatory of the time period that you were going through. But I guess the next follow up question out of something like that.
After living through that time period and then everything afterwards, what does your relationship with therapy look like today?
[00:22:42] Speaker B: I'm one that's very much for therapy.
I've found many blessings in therapy. Many ways to grow, many ways to grow spiritually, mentally, many things to look at, to really examine, you know, things to learn from. I've had many therapists that have been just very encouraging, have gone above and beyond.
[00:23:06] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:23:07] Speaker B: So I think it's important for. In many, many aspects.
[00:23:11] Speaker A: But one thing's for sure, and especially we can take from the section that you just read, it's challenging. It's not. It's a very uncomfortable thing to peel away those layers and to be vulnerable like that. And I can imagine during that time that was a very vulnerable period. That must have been very challenging for you at that time.
[00:23:29] Speaker B: It's extremely challenging because we really have to look at who we are, where we've been, where we want to go.
[00:23:35] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:23:36] Speaker B: And we have to have that honesty and we have to, you know, work towards and pray for that awareness and then have that action to change what needs to be changed.
[00:23:46] Speaker A: Yeah. It's crazy because I think the people that we are the least honest to most of the time are ourselves.
[00:23:51] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:23:52] Speaker A: And you know, really coming.
Coming face to face with that honesty and putting a mirror up to ourselves, our past, our actions. And some people want to escape it, some people don't want to accept it.
There's, there's a lot to unpack out of that. Everybody's therapy journey is different. But that being said, you mentioned multiple times you had multiple angels there.
I'm sure that you do feel like they were truly God sent to help you on this journey.
[00:24:20] Speaker B: Definitely do, yeah. And I truly believe that everyone has angels, that they're all around. We have to look for, you know, look for them.
[00:24:27] Speaker A: Yeah. It was something that I've been exploring recently is just like the concept of that, the invisible string theory. Have you heard that? How everybody's got like a finger tied to them and life always weaves a certain way until the timing's right to enter somebody's life, whether that be for a relationship, romantic or friendship or just what, whatever the season, whatever the reason, you know, whatever that might be. So no, that's, that's a very, very powerful segment of the book right there. And can only imagine the struggles that you must have went through during that time period. I think that's something very necessary for the message of suicide Prevention Awareness month right there.
[00:25:04] Speaker B: Right. I think that's extremely important. And to say towards the end, a new chapter, a new book, a completely and utterly astounding, resounding, rebounding outlook. The lessons these living angels taught me are the verses and these florid flows are my catchy hook. We all have new chapters, we all have books to be written and life to be lived. To be lived. Not to exist, but to live.
[00:25:34] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. You know, when I've had some of my lowest periods in particular, and you know, of course there was some kind of thought of ending it all at one point or another, but I.
Somebody said this phrase to me and it put things into perspective for me. I'm not saying this is the perspective for anybody who has, you know, self harming or suicidal ideations, but this really helped put things in perspective for me at least. And it was like, you don't really want your life to be over. You want this moment in your life to be over. And if you can just get through that moment, who knows what you can create for yourself on the other side.
And that really put things in perspective for me. It was like, yeah, I don't want things over. I just want to get the pain. I just want this moment to end. And that actually gave me a lot of strength when I was able to reconceptualize it like that. Perhaps it might help somebody else out there. I know every situation is different, but yeah, it's, it's one of Those moments, and I'm sure that you probably felt very similarly is like, did you truly want your life to be over? You just wanted this moment to be over?
[00:26:40] Speaker B: I've always had a zest for life. I've always want to accomplish so many things. It was just that in that, like you said, that moment, I just wanted it to pass.
[00:26:49] Speaker A: The pain can be so, so much.
[00:26:51] Speaker B: Right. But you have to reach out. And now you know people that don't know. Tell us a little bit about 988.
[00:26:56] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:26:57] Speaker B: Mental health's involvement in it.
[00:26:58] Speaker A: Absolutely. Actually, this is a great time to talk about it. Of course,998 is the suicide and crisis hotline that is available nationwide here in the United States and all of its territories. 24 7. They have over 200 local call centers. I believe there are 14 total here in the state of New York. It's very expansive. You can call 988 at any time. It's essentially the 911 for mental health. And whether you're having an issue when it comes to ideations of suicide or self harm, mental health crisis in one way or another, could be you're having some kind of bad reaction to a drug or some kind of substance, whatever that might be, you can call in even if it's not for you. If it's somebody that you care about who is literally in the room with you or you know that they are several miles away but need help and you don't know what to do, you can reach out to 988 and there are trained counselors who will be able to walk you through that situation. Heck, we have TR counselors here through MHA that manage the crisis hotline in and around this area. And so many of them have talked about going out on the street and sitting and being with them in person, depending on the situation that might be necessary. And that's just the level of commitment that 988 can offer.
So 988 can truly save a life, help a life and keep things moving forward, get you through the pain of that moment so you can continue living your best.
[00:28:21] Speaker B: You.
[00:28:21] Speaker A: So that's essentially it right there.
[00:28:23] Speaker B: It's amazing. And yes, reach out, reach out. Don't. You're never alone. You're never alone. Remember that. So I think that's a good way to end today's, I think, episode.
[00:28:33] Speaker A: That's a very solid place to end. Beautiful. Lori, is there any last little nugget that you want to share based on your experience that you know might be some solace to somebody listening out there,
[00:28:44] Speaker B: I do want to say that although at times it has been a very difficult journey, I have so much joy today. And all I want to do is help others heal.
And there is a lot of joy to be found and a lot of growth to be found in challenge, challenges in life. And we all are placed with challenges.
But reach out. There are people to love. There are people that love you.
[00:29:10] Speaker A: Well said. All right, I think that pretty much wraps it up for today.
[00:29:14] Speaker B: Thank you, Connor, as always, I'm glad you're here.
[00:29:17] Speaker A: Lori, thank you very much.
[00:29:18] Speaker B: Absolutely. Absolutely.
[00:29:20] Speaker A: Stay tuned for more Laurie Toktarsky morning show. We're going to have more coming out real soon. Stay along for the clips that we're also going to be producing. And hey, buy her book. I dare you to walk in my shoes.
[00:29:30] Speaker B: Oh, there we go. There you go.
[00:29:32] Speaker A: Buy the book. We got the links on Amazon and more, so check it out. We'll have that all in the description of this episode. Thank you so much for watching.
[00:29:38] Speaker B: Have an iconic day, iconic morning, everything. Cheers. Cheers,
[00:29:45] Speaker A: Sam.
